Something New From G.N.: WTF?

Sometimes we at G.N sit down and think to ourselves... WTF? Well we've decided to voice our opinions on certain things in the video game universe that make us go "WTF?" We hope you enjoy the first installment of this new article from G.N. and just for the record: None of what we say directly reflects the staff at G.N., we only say it because we care.

MARIO Characters: WTF?

Now, most of us at G.N. love our Italian stallion who collects stars, shines, 'shrooms, and any other awkward item you can think of, but since we've started this journey with Mario, we've ran across some really awkward people who live in the Mushroom Kingdom and beyond. So "WTF?"

BIRDO

Oh Birdo, how awkward you've come out to be. You're introduction in Super Mario Bros. 2 made us sit here and scratch our heads as to what the hell you were. Nothing is wrong with being a dinosaur, hell Yoshi seems to be one. But your tube-like mouth, enormous bow, and indetermined gender makes you the "Cirque De Sole" highflyer of the Mario Universe. Not really cute either, you're a gender unspecific dinosaur that craps eggs out of your nose... yeah real cute. Most of the Mario sequels you've shown up in have dictated you as female, but we all know that Super Mario Bros. 2 doesn't lie and if you're indetermined, we'll take that as misunderstood. So Birdo, from us at G.N. you get a long and exquisite, "WTF?"

PRINCESS DAISY

Oh Princess Daisy, you spoiled...spoiled little princess. You're introduction in Super Mario Land showed us just how spoiled you truly are. Being the Princess of Sarasaland sounds like a difficult job, but at the end of the day the definition of who you are is quite simple really. You are NOT Princess Peach. I know, I know its difficult to comprehend, but the reality is that you're not. I mean how can you consider yourself so "hot" when your heart is so cold. Its ok though we understand how hard it is to rule a world a 1/4 of the size of the Mushroom Kingdom. We wont hold it against you, but we will give you a "WTF?" for...well just being a b*tch.

WALUIGI

When you're step into the spotlight, and you're main introduction into the Mario Universe as a villain is Mario Tennis, you cannot be taken seriously and deserve a Bullet Bill sized, "WTF?". I mean admit it, Waluigi, you were the main villain in "Dance Dance Revolution Mario Mix" and for stealing music notes I'm suprised any of the protagonists even gave you the time of day for such a stupid plan; Bowser Jr. laughs at such a plan and he isn't potty trained.

LAKITU

Attention Lakitu, you were introduced in the regular edition of Super Mario Bros. as an enemy of Mario, Luigi, etc. Now you may be wondering why Lakitu is on the "WTF" list of characters, the reality is that as an enemy, you cant be a Yao Ming-esque flopper. Even the pansy Goombas tried to stop Mario and his friends in Mario Kart. You on the other hand decided to be the flag holder, nothing antagonistic about that. Secondly, you cant be the camera guy in Mario 64. Picture Bowser volunteering to follow Mario for an entire game... and tell me it just doesnt feel right. So Lakitu, you get a "WTF" for not sticking to your roots.

KOOPALINGS

How can the seeds of King Koopa a.k.a Bowser be put on the "WTF?" list? Well, technically, Bowser should be put on the list because they made the list: 1. for their names and 2. for the appearances. Bowser, even though Super Mario Bros. 3 was released in October of 1988, I'm pretty sure Ludwig von Koopa was not a cool name given to kids those days. Not only that Wendy, Larry, Iggy, Lenny, Norton, and Horton just couldn't get the job done. Maybe its a genetic disorder, maybe failure just runs in the family. So Bowser, you're children get a definite "WTF" which I kinda feel bad for because I think they get made fun of already. But, we'll give you an extended "WTF" on poor parenting. By the way, how did you make children with no wife? Just a thought...

PAULINE

WTF! Pauline!?!?! Stop getting caught by this goddamn monkey!! All he does is throw barrels for God sake, for an ENTIRE GAME!! At some point doesnt he become predictable? I mean I'll give you the benefit of the doubt that you're in high heels, but if a midget plumber can jump over these barrels than my god you can step over them. I shouldnt have to chase you over and over and over again because you won't learn your lesson. And who are you?!?!?! If I'm busy saving Princess Peach and doing sh*t for Daisy, why the hell am I saving you?!?! WTF?!?!?!


Well, the 1st of the new "WTF" segment is in the books. Any other characters you feel need to be added to this list, feel free to voice your opinion because no matter what game, no matter how good or bad it is... there will always be something to make you scratch your heads and go...

WTF?